Last week on my way home from London, I experienced something that really upset me and I can't shake the feeling.
I was at Doncaster train station waiting for my connecting train, it was about 10pm and it was dark. I went to sit in the waiting room but it was full of rowdy teenagers which made me feel very uncomfortable, so I took a seat on the platform instead and popped my headphones on to listen to some music. You see, despite my apparent confidence, I'm actually very socially awkward, I hate making conversation with people I don't know and having been subject to sexual assaults, and verbal and physical attacks regarding my size in the past I can be quite a nervous traveller. I don't, however let this stop me, that is very important to point out.
Sat on my bench I caught someone looking at me out the corner of my eye, unintentionally making eye contact with him, he then smiled at me. Despite my past experiences, I always like to be polite so I returned a very quick smile and then averted my eyes back to my phone. The man then approached me, and started to talk, so I removed my earphones so I could hear him. He asked if I was catching the Cleethorpes train, I answered yes and he commented on how it was running a little late, I replied with some little polite answer like "yes, but it's only a few minutes late, so I'm sure it will be fine" or something to that effect.
He then proceeded to sit next to me and explain he had been on holiday and asked where I'd been. I explained I'd been to London for work, and conversation ensued. It's at this point I should have removed myself from the situation, maybe gone to the bathroom or something. I was already very uncomfortable, but I really didn't know what else to do other than be polite and engage in the conversation. The man was Tunisian, in his 30s I'd guess, well presented and very polite. I guess I felt sorry for him, he explained how he worked just outside my town and how he didn't have any friends. Now don't get me wrong, I am by no means gullible, I was acutely aware that this could indeed be his way of trying to chat me up, so very early in the conversation I managed to drop in I have a husband and a child.
Finally the train arrived, but instead of getting on and finding a seat, he decided to sit next to me. My head was screaming for him to leave me alone but instead I smiled politely because I really didn't know what else to do. I was so upset, and beginning to get a little scared of this man. Despite the fact he was very nice and friendly and polite, I was so afraid. In my head I just kept thinking go away, leave me alone but outwardly I was just smiling and continuing the conversation. About halfway through the journey, I'm physically very uncomfortable and mentally freaking out. I text Michael and ask me to ring him, I can't actually tell him what's wrong because this man can see and hear everything I'm doing, but the moments relief of hearing Michaels voice is helpful.
The carriage empties and it's just me and him, I'm just about using every ounce of my strength not to scream or cry or have a panic attack, when he goes and asks me for my phone number. What the bloody hell am I supposed to say about that. I'm squirming in my seat, physically squirming. So I say, "no, sorry" - he then asks why. Arghhhh my brain is going ten to the dozen, what do I say? He then asks if it's because of my husband. I say yes. It's ridiculous, Michael would never dictate who I'm friends with and who I'm not friends with, but it's the only thing I can think of. But then he challenges me and says he only wants to be friends, and how he is lonely. I just don't know what to do. Finally, from somewhere I find the courage to tell him, I'm not comfortable with giving my number to a stranger. He accepts it, but I'm increasingly worried for my safety.
By this point I'm very weary and I rest my head on the window, he comments on how tired I look and puts his arm round me momentarily. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I'm going to get raped and murdered on a scabby old train to Grimsby. Surely this isn't how my life gets played out. I try and submerge myself in my phone, play with social media, talk to husband on text. All the while I can't actually say what is happening to me because I'm scared he's reading what I'm typing.
As we get closer to Grimsby, he takes a phone call from another Tunisian person, I only know this because he was speaking in his language, this in itself is unnerving because I have no idea what he's saying. I'm due to get off at Grimsby, one stop before Cleethorpes where he's supposed to be getting off. As we finally approach Grimsby he gets up, presumedly to let me out, but he goes over to where his cases are, I ask him, "I thought you were getting off at Cleethorpes?" he answers that he was, but his friend is coming to pick him up from Grimsby now.
Great. I've now convinced myself him and his friend are going to kidnap me, gang rape me and kill me. So I dig into my bag, get out my house keys and make a fist with one of the keys pointing out. If he's going to grab me I'm going to do some damage! Then with the other hand I ring Michael and let him know I'm getting off the train. We can actually see the train station from our bedroom window, but he can't come and meet me because of Poppy, so I ask him to come down to the front door and keep an eye out for me (all the while he still doesn't know why). As the train doors open I say a very quick and unceremonious goodbye to the man, and do my quickest walk possible across the car park, under the rail bridge and up our street.
Needless to say, I got in safe and I would say perfectly fine, but that fact of the matter is, I'm not. The mere fact I'm writing this today means it's still playing on my mind and had an impact on me.
I'm angry. I'm angry at him for subjecting me to 90 minutes of upset, I'm angry at me for not having the guts to tell him to leave me alone. Most of all I'm angry that the world is such a shitty place that I'm made to feel like this, regardless of wether his intentions were bad or not.
